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WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEGENDS
Gaslamp Cozy Fantasy
BY LUNA RYDER

Blurb

Magic, mayhem, and a misfit crew… every legend has to start somewhere

Tilda Quickthatch gave up adventuring years ago and retired to small-town Briarhaven as the local tavern wench. But now the past she’s worked so hard to keep hidden has come calling for her.

Its messengers? A group of misfit teens who insist she train them to pick up her mantle… or else. But what starts as simple “roll” play soon turns deadly when their antics attract the attention of a fearsome necromancer who never gave up searching for Tilda. He swoops in with a sinister offer: exchange the powerful artifact she stole nearly a decade ago for her former partner’s life.

Now it seems this halfling rogue-turned-barkeep has no choice but to dust off her daggers, gather her pity of a party, and set out on her highest stake quest yet.

What could possibly go wrong? What could possibly go right?!

When Life Gives You Legends is a hilariously heart-pounding fantasy where being a hero means breaking a few stereotypes—and possibly a tavern chair or two. If you enjoy witty banter, magical mayhem, and rooting for the underdog, then you’ll love Luna Ryder’s outrageous adventure.

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“Arrest! Arrest!” several more parroted in perfect unison. Then, moving as one fluid mass, roughly two dozen kobold guards flooded the Stable, screaming wildly and pointing with crude spears as they crossed the dining room.

They may have been shouting for our arrest, but I knew they’d come to kill.

Their target?

The most obvious threat in the room, of course.

Who just so happened to also be the least prepared for their assault.

Rurik.

“Rurik! Look out!” I shouted, somersaulting out from beneath the table and rolling head first into the mindless lizard brigade.

They poked at me with their spears, which thankfully weren’t very sharp. Still hurt though.

I unfurled myself from the tiny ball I’d formed and yanked at the first thing I could reach. A loincloth.

“Ahhh, Naked!” the red lizard creature screeched and moved to cover his privates with his spear hand.

I yanked the wooden shaft and swung, sending him crashing into his fellow law enforcers. Finally, I was fighting someone my size. And it felt good. Real good.

“Naked?” another kobold echoed. I turned in the direction of the cry and flung the stolen loincloth at it.

“Blind! Blind!” it shrieked and scratched at its head while trying to dislodge the fabric. Oh sweet divinity, this was nice.

With kobolds, you never had to guess if your blow had landed, because they always conveniently shouted the play by play. I liked that about them.

I liked this. Missed it even.

In truth, I hadn’t had a good brawl in far too long.

The red sea of scales split, surging past me in pursuit of Rurik who was standing with his back pressed to the far wall. He had both hands out before him and was staring at his palms intently while he muttered to himself.

Kobolds were easy opponents, but could still do some very real damage. Not like the locusts we’d faced in farmer Dewglen’s cabbage patch and not like the rigged battle against Maltherius’s undead servant. These little lizard-like guys didn’t often win fights, but when they did, it came down to a numbers game.

Mother kobolds laid clutches of nearly one-hundred eggs at a go several times per year. To keep their population from overwhelming the continent, the powers that be required kobolds to conscript for five full years upon reaching adulthood. The ones that survived their service were given full rights and a place of honor in society.

But very few ever made it.

Whatever. They’d started this.

Poof! Rurik’s left-hand flame blazed to life and promptly caught on the same damask curtains he’d been admiring earlier.

“Ugh, sorry! Sorry!” he shouted and ripped the heavy fabric from the rod, tossing it to the floor and trapping a few of our cold-blooded opponents beneath it.

“Blind! Blind! Ooh, hot! Hot!”

I almost laughed as I watched their tiny figures struggle beneath the blazing tarp, and then I nearly cried as I watched Rurik bend down to help the blessed things escape.

“Kid, you’re killing me! What are you doing?” I shouted at him while slicing a couple throats with a thirsty dagger.

He did not answer.

Calina zipped past me and pulled the curtains back onto the writhing mass of scales. “Stand here!” she told her friend, moving him onto one of the corners. She then grabbed the dagger I’d slipped into her boot and hammered it into another corner. I hurled myself to the center of the action and dug my own dagger into the floorboards at the third corner, then Calina and I worked together to topple one of the tables and move it into place.

“Can I muh-muh-move now?” Rurik stuttered as the flames began to lap at his pants.

“Yes, get out of there, you buffoon!” I didn’t know whether those words had torn from Calina’s mouth, mine, or both. Yeah, probably both.

Another wave of kobold enforcers marched into the club while the first set screamed a litany of adjectives from beneath the burning fabric.

My heart pounded with excitement as the battle raged on. I waited behind the inferno, certain that at least a few of the new arrivals would charge straight into the flames and remove themselves from the fray without any effort on my part. Kobolds were almost too stupid to live sometimes, especially when swarming.

I smirked as the first wandered into the fire and shouted a string of superlatives. “Hot! Hurt! Dying!”

Over his bobbing head, something higher up caught my eye. Too high to be a kobold. Also too solitary. It quickly shifted from view, but not quick enough.

Jonquil. He was really failing at the whole hospitality thing. In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say… Yeah, he definitely orchestrated the whole affair. And that reminded me of another important thing I knew about kobold battalions. Take out their commander, and the whole thing falls apart.

“There are too many!” Calina cried as she darted behind Rurik. She was now without a weapon.

So was I, but I had a plan.

About Author Luna Ryder…

Links to Luna’s websites, blogs, books, #ad etc.:

Amazon
https://www.amazon.com/When-Life-Gives-You-Legends-ebook/dp/B0DB3QR2L4

B&N
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-life-gives-you-legends-luna-ryder/1146282178?ean=2940185875964

Apple
https://books.apple.com/us/book/when-life-gives-you-legends/id6673918185

Kobo
https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/when-life-gives-you-legends

Google Play
https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=hMAgEQAAQBAJ

Kickstarter
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lunarauthor/when-life-gives-you-legends-hardcover-audio-and-dandd-5e